AuDHDMe?
TW: Mental Health Issues
Earlier this week I was back at the doctors to discuss the old brain box. In September I was, after years of pure, uncut procrastination, diagnosed with Inattentive Type ADHD. I wrote about it detail here. Weeks of form filling, introspection and chats with clinical psychologists followed.
When I was told the craic, the spectre of Autism raised its head in their findings, something I'd never even suspected. However, in amongst the chaos of my brain; the unfinished projects, the self loathing, the addictive need to either do EVERYTHING or rot in bed was the compulsive need for routine, order and time alone. They suspected a combination of both Autism and ADHD – AuDHD; the ultimate good cop, bad cop, mental health duo.
My initial eConsult follow up with my GP was met with a glad handed referral to my local service who currently have a three year waiting list. Back I went to ask for a referral to my psychologist. Amazingly it was agreed, turning three years into ten to seventeen weeks. Still a while, but nothing like the GTA6 delays Gateshead's mental health provision are currently experiencing. I'm hugely grateful that, within three or so months, I might be able to finally get to the bottom of, well, me.
I've been reading the wonderfully insightful Explaining AuDHD by Dr. Khurram Sadiq. As I progressed through the chapters I felt seen. The comorbidity of these two opposing conditions seems to have run rampant my entire life.
It's funny what we put up with in ourselves. When our mobile phone start acting up, we'll spend hours troubleshooting it back to normality. When clothes rip they're repaired or replaced. Sick of the colour of your lounge? Hours will be spent trawling paint and wallpaper brands, creating mood boards and finding matching objet d'art to provide backing vocals to our environment. If only we were as practical, reactive and kind with ourselves.
Why am I tell you this? Well, in truth, oversharing is pretty typical for neurodivergent folk it would seem. But really, it's about honesty. Sharing problems is the first step on the path to putting things right. Without advocating for ourselves, how the fuck are we supposed to have the energy to help others. If it ain't broke don't fix it, but if it is, you need to be the one to take the first step to get it sorted. That might be chatting with a friend, picking up a book or listening to helpful podcasts.
I'm still waiting titration for ADHD medication to start. This is the time when, paired with a prescribing nurse, you trial various pills and potions that help you. I'm knee deep in picking an ADHD coach as well. Someone who can help me create pathways around the myriad of mental blockers I put in front of myself each and everyday. It's all far from a fix; but hopefully, it's a way of living better.
I came across the term ADHD Skill Regression a few weeks ago; the feeling of losing previously learned abilities, such as organisational or time management skills. Since getting my diagnosis my symptoms seem to have hit the nitrous button, exasperating problems to an almost comical degree. But, in my mind, this is far from regression, this is acceptance. Processing this information about myself, about past decisions and actions and, to a lesser extent, mourning what could have been if I hadn't slipped through the net for 45 years, takes energy and mental space; something's gotta give. And that’s alright. Obsessing about it isn’t however and I’ve been looking for something to help divert my patterns of thinking and burn through some of the my excess energy that waxes and wanes.
Yesterday, I found out about the 64 Million Artists January Challenge; 31 days to explore your creativity. Every day in the worst month of the year, you'll be given a creative prompt to stimulate you into creative action. Day 24 will be provided by the dead good Dead Good. You can read more about their mini project here.
Perhaps this challenge is just what you need? Perhaps the very idea of it fills you with dread,. That's OK; sometimes, doing something a little scary is precisely the thing you need to stir the pot and get you thinking differently.
You can sign up for the challenge here.
Change isn’t always good, but stagnation never is.